One last time
by HoshisamaValmor
Summary: The reason why Levi hates birthdays.
1. 4

**Author's Note:** I picked a specific age for Levi's canon age for writing convenience. **Edit: Although I intended it to be a single one, I've decided to now split this fic into chapters.**

Kenny's part is referenced from my 'Loss' fic - so if you want to read Kenny's version of this, please go to that fic. I don't believe there's Christmas in SNK so I never portray Levi's birthday in that context.

 _'Bring Me Back to Life'_ by Extreme Music and several nightcored/antinightcored musics helped this through.

 **Disclaimer:** Don't own Shingeki no Kyojin, obviously.

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4 years old

 _Levi woke up with a soft rustling on his forehead that made him giggle when he immediately recognized it. He curled around himself and covered his face with his thinny arms, trying and failing to prevent Kuchel from landing more kisses on his face._

 _"It tickles, mom!"_

 _"Good morning, my love! My boy is so grown up!" As if to show him what tickles felt like, she started to poke him all around, making him squeal loudly and try to roll away as his breathing grew quickly puffy from laughter. "You were such a small baby just yesterday! No no, I want my little baby back!"_

 _"I'm almost a grown up man now, mom, you can't tickle me like that!" he argumented in the height of his now four years of age and with his voice cracking from laughter._

 _Kuchel let out a laugh, jestful tone in her voice. "Oh yes, I do apologize! How could I call you a baby just now! No, you're a grown up already, sure, sure."_

 _He managed to flee from the wicked ticklish grasp of his mother, clasping a hand on the long bangs of hair over his eyes to push them away when he caught a glimpse of their bedside table. There was a strange brown-wrapped package right next to the candles._

 _"What's that? Did you get a present?"_

 _"No, silly, it's not my birthday today, is it?"_

 _Levi's eyes widened and his mouth fell open a little bit from disbelief._

 _"Are you serious?" He wanted to jump right at it, but ackwardly fell down his step. "_ _Wasn't it too expensive?"_

 _"It's your birthday. It's the most important day! You deserve a present," Kuchel replied instead, and Levi smiled widely._

 _It was the happiest day of his life, spent with the person he loved the most, and he wished every birthday from there on would always be so._

 _..._

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 **Author's Note:** I'll now list my final comment and music recs at the final chapter.

Thanks for reading, reviews are appreciated if you find anything to say. Please point out mistakes.


	2. 11

11 years old

 _"Would you kill me, Kenny?"_

 _The man laughed at that. They were sitting on cargo boxes left discarded by the side of an alley, close enough to the group in a courtyard to hear their busy noisiness. They were even playing music. For someone preparing for the end of the year festivities, they sure as hell seemed to be celebrating pretty fucking earlier. Normally, Levi would be secretly appreciative of their efforts and enjoy watching and listening to the music, but right now it made him irritated._

 _"Ah, you're annoying but I haven't killed you yet, have I?!"_

 _"You thought about it before, haven't you. The day you met me."_

 _The question clearly confused Kenny, caught off guard by the sudden subject. Levi didn't really want to look at him, though. It had plagued at his mind too often, and today was just as good as any to finally ask it._

 _Of course, he **knew** it was the day he had to ask it, but he didn't want to admit the importance to himself. He had wondered if Kenny would ever answer him if he asked - Levi was feeling too disattached and painfully self aware to avoid it any longer._

 _"Well, you were half dead anyway. Of course I thought it was easier and better to kill you," Kenny scoffed. The old man tried to ease the subject in that stupid manner of his, always thinking he was funny. "It'd have saved us both lots of trouble, huh?"_

 _He tried to mess with Levi's hair like usual, but he dodged swiftly._

 _"Why didn't you?"_

 _"Eh, who knows. I had a change of heart. I guess it's a good thing I didn't though, right? Ya wouldn't be here to piss me off would ya?"_

 _That was a good answer, as good as any he could get from Kenny. And it kinda seemed honest enough, given the outcome of the day Kenny entered their room and the circumstances they found themselves in all these years later. But it made little to nothing to make him feel different._

 _He didn't care. What did it matter anyway, if he was alive because Kenny just had some whim thought against killing him? It's not like it really changed anything. Not like Kenny really cared for him, or that it would change the feeling of every year when this day came._

 _...Of course he fucking cared. That was the worst of it. Did Kenny even know which day it was? Or did he care?_

 _Levi left to fetch some beers for them, returned only to listen to Kenny's alcoholic inspiration make the man babble some thing and another. It was really weird of Kenny to mon_ _ologue on such somber themes, and of course he blamed it on Levi at some point that 'his weird moods were contagious'. It sounded so ridiculous even Levi had to scoff and joke if Kenny was fearing he'd die or something._

 _Soon, Kenny got pissed off with himself and growled he was leaving. Levi actually wanted to stay, but half relunctinly stood up. It wasn't like he had anywhere else to go._

 _"Ah, right." Kenny turned, pointing. "That's for you. Some girl sent it."_

 _Levi turned confused, and found a small wrapped box. Kenny had already started walking and left him behind when Levi's grabbed the present, still surprised and wondering who would have cared enough to send it. He unwrapped it swiftly as he walked to follow the man, unappropriately excited and curious to see what was inside and finding a paper folding turned into the shape of a bird. He held it up, just as surprised as he had been before trying to see how that was even possible to make. There was also a small piece of paper with an untrained handwriting that made his task of still-in-training reading a bit harder, but he caught himself smiling nevertheless._

 _Kenny didn't say anything or asked why he had got a present._

 _When they had returned to the safehouse and Levi carefully placed the paper sculpture and the small note on the shelf, he caught a glimpse of the old man from the corner of his eye, grinning stupidly. He was probably more focused that a girl had given him anything than focused over the reason of why she did it, and Levi actually wanted him to just to have a reason to ditch at the man. The mockery glare but silence annoyed him so instead put the subject aside for good._

 _Birthdays weren't that special anyway._

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	3. 27

27 years old

 _Isabel had to be the most meddlesome, cunning, stubborn, fearless and kindhearted child he had found in a lot of years._

 _"HOW can you NOT want us to celebrate?! Big brother, no way!"_

 _"Why the fuck did you tell her, anyway?" he turned to Farlan instead, as apparently his very clear, unmistakenbly pragmatic words fell on more than deaf ears on the tangled-haired teenager._

 _Farlan shrugged, enjoying himself far too much to even pretend otherwise._

 _"Why wouldn't I? It's not my fault you said before and I have a good memory even when I'm drunk. Make sure you remember it next time."_

 _"It's your birthday! It's YOUR day, big brother! How could you never tell me before, look how many years we missed already! You can't work today - let go of that! - you have to enjoy yourself and party! No cleaning either today, we have to party!"_

 _Levi honestly didn't know what else to do but sigh._

 _"Do you seriously think I care about my birthday after all these years, Isabel?"  
_

 _"It doesn't matter if you're getting old, big brother, you-"_

 _"Excuse me?"_

 _"Yo-uh, hm... B-But I have a present! Look!" Levi closed his eyes and breathed out slowly, fighting so hard to block Farlan's growing chuckling. When he opened his eyes, the man's body was shaking from trying to hold back the laughter, and Isabel had jumped behind the counter, taking the role of some stern bartender or something. "See? I'll do your job today! I'll clean the whole place too later! And Farlan'll help too!"_

 _"Hey, don't drag me to your thing."_

 _"Sorry it's not much, but Farlan didn't tell me much sooner! And oh, I have a sweater I can give you! I think it'll fit. I'm gonna try and save money next year to buy you a cake, big brother!"_

 _"Why the fuck would you want to save money for something twice as expensive if you'll just shit it the next day?"_

 _Farlan scoffed audibly, to Levi's frowned annoyance._

 _"What."_

 _"Well, any food is just gonna be shit one day later and it's still pretty important, right? It'll only taste good one way through anyway too, so might as well be really fucking good for a change, no? Or are you afraid your shitty body will get constipated from quality food?"_

 _Levi's eyes narrowed to a glare at the damn blond man. **Levi** had told him that before, when he refused to eat another teaspoon-worth of burnt matter Farlan called food. He had grown so damn smug and familiar to actually start to throw his own jokes back at him._

 _And be good at it._

 _"Fuck you."_

 _"Ah, Isabel, Levi's getting old! He even gets tangled up in his own words now!"_

 _"You little..."_

 _"That's alright, big brother, I'll just money for extra candles then, too!"_

 _..._


	4. 30

30 years old

 _"You seriously cannot get drunk?"_

 _Levi lowered the mug of beer, joining it to the collection of now ten other mugs, even though the numbers had started to blend with the ones from Mike's side. The younger recruits hadn't managed to overcome their fears and embarrassment to stay behind so long after dinner time to see the two strongest men of Humanity sitting down in a beer contest - that wasn't anywhere near a contest when there was no competition. Several veterans though cracked under their curiosity and had pretended to be deeply engaged in conversations on nearby tables, just to chuckle and whistle lowly and impressed with wide eyes as the scene unfolded._

 _Only Hange, of course, had literally and loudly dragged a chair to the head of the table and sat cackling and cheering throughout most of the time. Nanaba was more subtle, sitting a couple of seats away and retaining her comments to quiet chuckles and a constant soft smile._

 _"How the fuck can your body hold that much beer, seriously?" Mike hiccuped, cheeks way past the point of rosy tone and now full red. He hadn't stopped smiling since they began drinking. "No offense, but seriously, you're a midget. With a huge stomach and bladder."_

 _"And you're a fucking giant with a tiny ones" Levi replied casually. "Wanna start refilling, or do you still think you can count after those couple of beers?"_

 _"Couple of beers? Ah!" he roared and laughed. Hange stood up to fetch two more rounds, and by the time the mugs were laboursly placed in between the others, Mike seemed to be struggling with some illuminating thought that turned out to be:"But you gotta have to piss all that out at least?"_

 _"Well that's fucking brilliant thought process. You should get drunk more often."_

 _Mike snorted in between chuckles, making his massive form shake hilariously._

 _"It must fucking suck if you can't get drunk."_

 _"At least I can piss it out without making a shower out of it."_

 _Hange roared and clapped when both men poured down the mugs impressively, Mike roaring out in laughter to join and growing even redder while Levi had to scoff and smile._

 _"Ah man, you're impressive, Levi. You know what, I give up. I can't break you!"_

 _"Strange thing to think you ever could, big guy."_

 _"Yeah, speaking of that..." Mike hiccuped and cleaned his thin mustache. "I never apologized, did I?"_

 _"For what?"_

 _"You know, way back when. Remember, when I shoved you around, down at that po_ _nd thing." Even though he could see both Hange and Nanaba blinking in curious interest, Levi found it surprising he didn't really care._

 _"You only got lucky Erwin cut in, otherwise I would have beaten and killed you."_

 _"I was kinda rough though when you couldn't fight back. I was a dick. Sorry about that."_

 _"Yeah, you were a dick."_

 _Mike suddenly turned purple, apparently with a thought process unrealistically fast given his condition and laughing out loud._

 _"Well at least we know for sure one thing I have bigger than you!"_

 _"Yeah, fuck you."_


	5. 32

32 years old

 _Oh for fuck's sake._

 _"What the fuck is this supposed to be?"_

 _The four grown up adults in front of him, who worked flawless and roughlessly slaying Titans and had proven their resilience and integrity, shook like leaves on their feet and immediately jumped straight in the most unbelievable mixture of trained militarymen and children caught misbehaving._

 _"We're sorry, we thought it would be alright. Sir!" Petra added, assuming Levi's glare was a rebuke, body completely rigid and eyes away from his face._

 _"At ease, all of you. Since when do you salute out of nowhere?"_

 _"You looked particularly stern, sir," Petra explained, unquivering voice like she was reporting from an expedition. Eld turned his eyes towards Levi before immediately lifting them back up._

 _"I just didn't expect this. Who told you anyway?"_

 _"Commander Erwin, sir."_

 _Levi gritted his teeth. He looked down again at his desk and to the rather impressive cake that had been presented by his squad members, and the only thing on his mind looking at the creamy icing they had baked on top was **'That son of a bitch.'**_

 _"I said at ease, all of you," he demanded to prevent himself from being vocal on his thoughts of the Commander. "You made me a cake. Great. Stop fucking saluting and let's eat it already."_

 _The four of them exchanged gazes quickly and awkwardly relaxed their poses. Their hesitation burned the remains of the already short fuse of Levi's patience._

 _"What the hell is it now?"_

 _"Although we know there are no candles, normally we sing or do something before cutting the cake, sir," Gunther said. Levi's brow twitched on its own._

 _"Do you honestly think you're gonna sing to me? Let's just eat the damn thing."_

 _The cake was big enough to leave more than enough slices to spare for other people, even though Levi ate three slices of his own. He couldn't really stop from blinking and his eyebrows raising however slightly when he tasted it the first time. It was sweet, the spongy core was fluffy and the icing made everything taste like lemon. No wonder people made such a huge deal of cakes and everyone wanted at one in their birthdays, at least._

 _Holy shit, it was delicious._

 _Oluo and Petra were instructed to take the rest of the cake downstairs to the dining hall and to swear they wouldn't so much as tell why they had cake to begin with. Petra had to tell some lie if someone insisted._

 _"Well of course, it's my birthday!" Oluo had said loudly instead. "And the most wonderful, most beautiful Petra baked this wonder for me. But because I'm not as cold hearted as you say, I let you peek at it as well."_

 _Later on the day, he could hear several people complimenting the mysterious cake and hoping the benefactor would share more. Apparently people didn't buy Oluo's lie. It was good as long as no one got annoying on the subject._

 _To avoid suspicion, Levi went around and snatched one of the last pieces of cake, scrubbing a little of the frosting on the side before cleaning his hands thoroughly. For once, he almost didn't want to. the icing was the best part of the whole thing._

 _He caught up with Petra when she was excusing herself from the rest of the squad and retrieting for the night._

 _"Captain."_

 _"I won't keep you long. I just wanted to say thanks. I had never eaten cake before. Thank you."_

 _Petra blinked, the surprise clear in her face before she tried to push it aside and smiled happily._

 _"Oh, it's alright really. I hope you liked it. I don't get to bake often, and I do enjoy it a lot."_

 _"You made it?" She nodded in return. "I didn't know which one of you did it, I thanked the others but just assumed it was a shared effort or something."_

 _"You wouldn't want to imagine Oluo in a kitchen, Captain," Petra said between chuckles. "Or the three of them at the same time. There would have been no cake at all."_

 _"I'm impressed really. It was delicious."_

 _Petra seemed as proud as when she was complimented by her military expertise._

 _"I'll make a better one next year."_

 _..._


	6. 33

33 years old

 _"I hate birthdays."_ _Although he knew it wouldn't dissuade Erwin from encouraging him to join their fellow Survey Corps soldiers on the dining hall, Levi said it anyway, brows particularly frowned to make his point. He might not mind it much if he could quietly join his squad members in a distant corner of a table - it was just another common end of day amongst his fellow soldiers after all - but the pretext for Erwin's presistence was what annoyed him._

 _This was a common day, made only special because the faces he'd find in the dining hall were still the same as the day before. Not because he happened to be born who knows how many years ago. And because Petra had another cake. That was it._

 _"I have to admit, I wonder what would happen if Hange would hear you say that."_

 _"Uh?"_

 _"Before you know it, even the ones that preach that you're an unhuman - 'beyond human' perhaps would be most appropriate and sound less aggressive - would start to say you're actually the most human person they'll ever know."_

 _"What the fuck's that supposed to mean?"_

 _"Most people who don't like birthdays dislike to get old."_

 _"So what? I told you already, it doesn't have to do with me getting old."_

 _Erwin's small smile faded on his features, and despite Levi's annoyance from the previous playful tone, he felt a pinch in his chest to see the usual heaviness return._

 _"I'm sorry. I suppose I wanted to ease some of the ambience and make you enjoy the rest of the day. I thought last year you did. It wasn't really my place to."_

 _"It's not that. I'm not mad or anything." Levi clicked his tongue in frustration, trying to find words to say - to what end, exactly, he didn't know. Which was frustrating too. "I just said it, I know you didn't mean anything bad with joking about it and Hange. It kinda **is** tied to me getting old, whatever. And last year was nice. That's the problem, I guess."_

 _His articulation ability was as sharp as ever. Erwin simply nodded and seemed likely to return to the piles of useless paperwork, skipping dinner himself if Levi didn't bring some bowl of soup or something._

 _"What about you?" He asked instead, to see Erwin's brows rise in question. "Do you like getting old? Do you think everyone would make a huge deal of it if they knew you don't like birthdays?"_

 _"I admit, I am finding a growing satisfaction and appreciation of each new anniversary I reach. So I can't say I share your dislike. Except I wish I had such a delicious cake like you get."_

 _Levi scoffed, though he found a strange relief in the words._

 _"At least you're not your usual solemn self."_

 _"I beg pardon?"_

 _"You're glad you're alive. That's something new, coming from you."_

 _Right at the time when Levi was about to mentally scold himself and growl at his stupidity, making whatever was wrong before **worse** yet with the words he should've just shoved up his ass, Erwin's saddened expression softed._

 _"Either way, I_ _**am** glad for you."_

 _Uh?_

 _"What the fuck, Erwin. You're even harder to get tonight."_

 _"You are the most human person I know. It may be a rather selfish reason for me to present to you, but getting to know you, and everyone else getting to know you, should make you see your birthday in a different light."_

 _Levi blinked and scoffed instead of saying anything else._

 _"Let's just fucking eat something. Petra and the others must still be down there."_

 _"Of course."_

...


	7. Last

That was why he hated birthdays.

It was chilling that night. It wasn't like he hadn't seen the night time sky countless times by now, but it remained his silent peaceful moment, sitting on the top of the headquarters and gaze at the sky he wished so often he'd see, feared so many times he wouldn't and now had turned into a constant silent companion and reminder.

It wasn't about getting old. It was about doing it alone.

He could hear the rustling of clothes behind him but didn't care to turn around and see whom had climbed up that late at night. It wasn't like the list of people was that long.

"I don't want to meddle. I know you probably want to be alone." Levi didn't really bother replying, or even shrugging. "But you shouldn't, so I'm here."

"I can see that, Four Eyes."

The approaching steps ceased when Hange lowered next to him and sat by his side, legs dangling on the edge of the castle without so much as a flinch from vertigo fall beneath them. The face features that were so constantly brightened up and almost annoyingly cheerful had grown a lot heavier and the smile was saddened more than anything else.

The weight of being left behind when everyone else was gone was starting to build on Hange as well.

"The kids caught up with me on my way here," Hange said after a moment of silence. "Said to give you their wishes. I admit, I'm surprised they even remembered."

"They clearly don't have enough on their minds."

"I think it was Mikasa who mentioned it, really," Hange breathed out what was perhaps a small tired sigh, but he didn't know how to interpret it. "She didn't approach me. Hasn't really talked to me overall, and I can't help but think it's... it's more guilt than rage against me."

The girl hadn't looked at Levi either. "I don't blame her."

"I don't, either. Any of them, really."

It had been enough weeks for them to have discussed any of this, but beside the discussions on the informations of Dr Yeager's basement and the matters of Humanity, they hadn't talked on what was the hardest outcomes of those truths.

"I thought of making a cake or something, really. Like that one with the cream frosting Petra did, remember?, but my guess was that I'd blow up the kitchen. Kind of decided not to venture."

Unintentionally, that brought up the memory he hadn't revisited in a while. Another one followed, and another, an uncalled chain of memories he hadn't thought of again. Against his better judgement - or any judgement - he smiled, and it soon turned into a small laugh just from imagining Hange's attempt at baking. The image seemed like a memory on its own, to join the others.

Hange looked at him, smiling by reflex and slightly surprised. "Yeah, it'd be pretty hilarious."

"Thank you, Hange."

"You're welcome."

The peace was blessfully quiet for what seemed like the longest time. The smile remained, until it was over far too soon.

"I'd like to be alone now."

There was a moment of hesitation, in which Hange stood still in place, and Levi barely had time to wonder the reason for it when he felt a hand softly on his shoulder. He did turn then, seeing the quiet sympathy on Hange's eyes and knowing not much else to do but nod in return, hoping it would be enough to express what he didn't know to otherwise.

It wouldn't be fair, perhaps, to eventually leave Hange on his place, but there would always be someone else left behind. And he was tired to be that person.

He hated birthdays.

It would be the last one either way.

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the end

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 **Author's Note:** One, I didn't like birthdays for a long time. I still don't really like them.  
Two, I hate December. Not found of the holiday season either, except the lights, but December is a fucking horrible month.  
Three, I don't think Levi will survive for long. I didn't mean to say he kills himself after this scene, but eventually. Twist the knife :)

Although _'Bring Me Back to Life'_ +nightcore+antinightcord by Extreme Music were what played throughout, Kuchel's part was mostly written to Evanescence covers by Scarlett and Ruby, ditto for Kenny's and also antinightcore _'End of All Hope'_ by Nightwish, Isabel Farlan Mike and Petras's to antinightcore _'Awake & Alive'_ and _Not Gonna Die'_ by Skillet, Erwin's solely to any version of **_'Bring me Back to Life'_** and piano songs for Hange's.

Thanks for reading, reviews are appreciated if you find anything to say. Please point out mistakes.


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